I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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