Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize