I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Sorry my hands just texted you
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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