I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
