So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
