I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
