My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
