Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
