I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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