It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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