she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
