4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Randomize
