Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize