I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
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