Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
