Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
