I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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