I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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