Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
