No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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