if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
