woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
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