I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize