just tell him i said nine months
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
