so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
