i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize