I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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