tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
