i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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