WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
