Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize