I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
