drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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