My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
im on a boat
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