you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
