I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
