You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
