Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
