i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
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