Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I intend to get homeless drunk
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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