The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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