is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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