Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize