so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I need water and some morals
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
