Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
