No awkward lesbian experiences without me
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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