Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Randomize
