Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
