Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
what day is it and did you see me today?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
