Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
