It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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