Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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