I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
