If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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