I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize