I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I fill condoms, not promises.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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