the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
