Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
