Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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