I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
