I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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