I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
