i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Drunk is a universal language darling
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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