It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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