Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
