Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
