Got a toothbrush?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
