Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
