He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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