The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
