There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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