Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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