I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
