Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
