Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
