I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
