I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
