I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
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