I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Holy sore nipples Batman
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
